Final Draft

What Really Matters

In The Beginning

Many think that a divorce is the worst thing that you can put a child through and for many reasons it is. It shatters their sense of the relationship and deeply wounds their ability to trust others. For me, this was certainly the case and I have only just begun to realize how much my parents divorce has affected my life. At the time when I was 12 years old and oblivious to the majority of things happening around me, my parents began to fight consistently over just about anything. I didn't really understand what they were so upset about, but like any child I didn't like hearing my parents yell at each other. It wasn't until years later that I learn the real facts behind the matter and discovered that neither side was more honest or innocent than the other. Everyone has flaws even myself and for a long time, that's all I could see in people. It wasn't until one of those flawed people was almost taken from me that I learned what really matters.

The Divorce

At the age of 12, anyone is impressionable and the things that happen to you can leave a mark that lasts a lifetime. Unfortunately this mark was a negative one, but positives can be found. I will talk about both later in this story. My parents divorce was ugly and it definitely took its toll on all of my siblings, but arguably me the most due to the fact that I was the youngest. It started with the custody counseling. I was asked to go in and tell a woman that didn't seem to particularly empathetic or interested in me my preference for my "home base". I looked the councilor in the eye and told her that I wanted to be with both my parents. She seemed shocked by this a little. She asked me if I was sure and that it was usual for the child to be with his/her mother the majority of the time and the father every other weekend. I simply replied that I wanted everything equal, half and half. After I said this my mother started crying hysterically and yelling profanity at my father. My decision had apparently upset her deeply. I could understand only that she loved me and didn't want to lose me, but later learned that there was more to it than that. I've learned there always is. Not only was she upset that I hadn't chosen to spend the majority of my time with her, but also that my father wasn't being punished enough for his sins. We left an hour or two later with two fairly dumbstruck parents. My father, an idiot, who couldn't believe his luck and my mother, obsessed with control, who couldn't believe she lost. This was the start of many dark days to come.

Questions

At that age I didn't have any of the facts. I didn't even know that my father had cheated along with a multitude of other asinine acts. I didn't know that my mother had treated him like a dog for 10 years because she resented being associated with someone that was so goofy and lazy. I didn't know that my siblings were willing to lie to me in order to get me on one or the other parents side. The war was all around me it seemed and the only person that I could trust was myself. With this, I began to ask myself who I was. I certainly wasn't like my father and I would be damned if I was like my mother. I remember continuously asking myself "Who are you?" and "Where do you stand?", but the answers always seemed to allude me. I would break myself down and categorize everything about myself. I knew that I was smart, good looking and excellent with flattery, but what did that make me? A con artist. I lacked any identity at all. All I wanted was to just be myself, but the fact of the matter was that I had no idea who I was. I struggle with it to this day, but am slowly gaining a better understanding.

In Spite of...

During high school I started to see things around me that no one else seemed to see. Not like a crazy person, but like a clear vision of the truth. When people would lie to me I would know. Like a light bursting from their faces, the truth was revealed before my eyes. I noticed everything that was going on from the affairs of my friend's parents to the true intentions of my superiors. It was almost unexplainable, as if someone was holding a magnifying glass to their faces, I could see the signs of deceit. Needless to say I was angry. The world of good and happiness seemed to shrink away to a shadow of its former self and in its place was something that was unrecognizable to me. I was afraid at first because I didn't like this new world that was so clear to me now. I wanted desperately to not see it anymore, but there was no going back. I had stumbled upon a gift and a curse and I soon realized that I could either use it or continue to dismiss it. I was frustrated to say the very least and in response I focused myself into reading. I would read all day long to escape my reality. The content of the literature meant very little to me and it varied from ancient greek anthropology to astrophysics. My mind was hungry and it felt like it was burning almost all the time. I started running, swimming, and working as hard as I could in my school work. I immersed myself into my own life and making it better. I decided that I didn't want to be like everyone else I saw around me. I lacked respect for them and became a recluse. Social gatherings and friends were unnecessary to me and I had no time for them. One might say that my life was headed in a frightening direction, but for me it was exciting. I was finally becoming my own person, different from everyone around me. I was proud of myself. I loved myself again. I felt alive when for so long I felt dead inside. An inferno was welling up inside of me and I could tell that I was destined for greatness in spite of my parents and my upbringing.

Development

High school seemed to fly by with me excelling in my classes and reaching higher and higher potentials. I continued to beat my personal records in running and swimming. When others would reach out to me I would pull away from them. The social bond with them didn't seem worth the cost of losing my lifestyle. One might say I was addicted to what I had become and to me, it was the right choice without a doubt. Everything was going so well until my senior year when I tore everything in my knee. My world was shattered when the doctor told me that I would have to quit running and swimming for an entire year after the surgery in order to recover. I remember being so upset with everything, but what could I do? I took my time nursing my body back to its original strength. I continued to push the limits of my mind, but felt my body losing ground in the race. By the end of my senior year, my body was back to its original strength, but my mind felt miles ahead. It was then that I discovered a new gift.

A New Beginning

The summer before my freshman year of college I began to plan out my future. It was all crystal clear to me. I was going to go to school in Tampa Florida and study pre-med. My grades were almost perfect and I was sure that Tampa was going to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I felt unstoppable again like there was something pushing me anxiously towards a bright future. 

When I got to Tampa, it was beautiful. I loved the warm weather and the lighthearted atmosphere. No one was trying to bother me about anything. I was on my own and finally had the autonomy that I wanted so badly all throughout high school. Everything was going according to my plan. My grades were perfect and my life made me so happy. It was like my own little secret to success and no one and nothing was going to stop me. And then I got the call...

The Call

Early on a Tuesday morning during the first semester at Tampa University in Florida I received call from my step-mom. She was crying and was having a hard time keeping herself together and I finally got the gist of why. My dad had had a heart attack in the middle of the night and was rushed to the Cleveland Clinic. He was in the process of being stabilized and the doctors weren't sure if he was going to make it. I was in a panic and had no clue what to do. I was 23 hours away for a car ride and I had to get a plane flight as quick as possible. So I packed my bags, rushed to the airport and bought a ticket for the next flight to Cleveland, Ohio. When I landed, my step-mom picked me up and took me directly to the hospital where my dad had been successfully stabilized and was in the ICU. I remember walking into the room and seeing how weak and fragile he looked. I started to weep because I was so happy to see him. The entire plane ride home I had a nagging awful feeling that I was going to be too late. I knew how dangerous heart attacks can be as a, "sudden cardiac arrest—the stopping of the heart—occurs when the heart stops completely. Unless treated, a person whose heart has stopped can die within minutes" (CDC, "Heart Disease"). I have never been so afraid in my entire life up until this point. It shocked my system and made me so grateful to any god watching over him that he was alright. It was at this point that I realized something. It was something that had been out of my focus for the longest time.

My Realization

For the longest time I had been so inside my own head that I had neglected to tell the people that meant the most to me I loved them. Here I was sitting next to my dad who had always been there for me and I felt so guilty that I had almost missed a chance to tell him how much he meant to me before I lost him. It made me realize that nothing mattered more to me than my relationships with the people I love. Not money, or fame or sticking it to the man. The thing that mattered most was my father, flaws and all. After the entire day of being by his bedside I decided I needed to make a change immediately. I needed to reevaluate my priorities and make sure that I was doing what was going to truly make me happy. I realized that love was the most important thing I could give and receive in this life. The only thing that on my death bed would comfort me and make me content with the life I had lived.

“Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it, a jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can. But life leaps over oblivion lightly, losing only a thing or two of no importance, and gloom is but the passing shadow of a cloud...” (Martel 30).

Finding Myself

After several days of being home with the majority of the time next to my dad in his hospital bed, I had come to the conclusion that I would never forgive myself if I wasn't around when he needed me the most. I kept thinking, "what if I was fair enough away that it was impossible for me to get home in time?"I flew back to Tampa after the third day and started making preparations to transfer somewhere closer to home. The only problem was that I was limited in my choices because I was a freshman with only a semester under my belt. However, Ohio University had already accepted me and was willing to take me as soon as possible. I knew that it wasn't as prestigious a school as Tampa, but my sisters had gone to it and they loved it. 

I started my career here at Ohio University the winter quarter of my freshman year. At first, it was a culture shock. The feel of the town and the attitude of the people was completely different, but it was refreshing. It felt homely and the idea that I had my car and could go home and see the people that I loved anytime I needed to in only a 3.5 hour drive. I quickly made friends with the local YoungLife group because I knew several of the kids from my high school. It was the first time that I had connected with other peers in the longest time. I finally felt relief. The weight of anger and stress was lifted off my shoulders and I found that I was actually happy. 

What Really Matters

It is silly to me that it takes almost losing the person you love the most to understand just how important they are to you. I had lost track of what made me happiest in pursuit of my idea of "success". We only live for a small amount of time on this earth and everyday with the people we love is a gift because it can come to a crashing halt at literally any moment. I realized that what really mattered most to me was being surrounded by family and friends and accepting the flaws that come along with them. This all probably seems like common sense, but even the most intelligent of people can miss the importance of the things right in front of them. 

I still plan on pursuing a career and working to be a success story, but it is no longer in spite of anyone. I've learned that nothing is worth having if you don't have loved ones to share it with. It was said best in one of my favorite books of all time by Mitch Albom:

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in. Let it come in. We think we don’t deserve love, we think if we let it in we’ll become too soft. But a wise man named Levin said it right. He said, “Love is the only rational act” (Albom 132).

Works Cited

Albom, Mitch. Tuesdays with Morrie. Rockland, MA: Wheeler Pub., 1998. Print.
"Heart Disease." Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Centers for Disease Control 
               and Prevention, 09 Apr. 2012. Web. 07 Dec. 2012.
Martel, Yann. Life of Pi: A Novel. New York: Harcourt, 2001. Print.